Friday, September 9, 2016

Weak and Shattered

Day before yesterday, I hit a brick wall. Actually, it was a concrete post.
But I am using it metaphorically.

For 10 days, I'd felt lifted up by an invisible force.

Then, in an instance, I collapsed back into waves, just as we witnessed the jet-packers do in Newport Bay week before last.

There were about 5 or 6 people in Amie’s room, all trying to do different things at once. A sweet Asian chaplain wanted to pray, while a sweet Hispanic aide wanted to bathe. The Eastern European nurse was trying to deal with Amie’s medications, while a male nurse tried to move her into a more comfortable position. Amie was trying to communicate her needs as loudly as possible. It was like the United Nations, with everyone talking at once. Or the Tower of Babel. Attempting to restore order out of the chaos, I started to get rid of some of the many cups of half-drunk liquids that were everywhere. Suddenly, the nurse flipped out.  I'd accidentally thrown out some pain meds mixed with juice that were to be taken orally through a large syringe.

She left the room in a state, and then I left the room in a state and completely lost it.

Lost my composure, my cool, my control.

Thankfully, the waiting room was empty. I closed the door and let the tears fly.

I can’t do this anymore. Why are we here in this dark place of suffering AGAIN? What does the future hold? This is all too hard and ugly and awful. I am so TIRED!!!

I called my husband to vent.

Afterwards, I slunk back into the room, but it was obvious to all what had been going on. I am not a pretty crier. My nose and eyes swell up and turn bright red. By this point, the chair bath was almost finished. The aide looked up at me and said, “Mamacita, you okay? Can I get you some water?” I teared up again.

After a good nose-blowing in the adjacent bathroom, I came out and told Amie that I was fine. I went to the corner of the room where we have hidden away drinks and snacks. Some anonymous angels* had delivered a giant basket of goodies to the ICU. As I foraged through the basket looking for a drink, I noticed the card: 

Many people have written us wonderful words of encouragement since Amie’s accident. Some kind souls have said how “amazing” our family is, how “strong” I am, how “full of faith.” These words have buoyed me up, given me hope, and helped me to feel safer and unalone.

But in compliance with the Truth In Advertising organization, I have to confess the reality. I am none of those things. Our family is none of those things. Please don’t put us up on some kind of ‘suffering pedestal.’

We are just average sinners in need of daily grace.

But we know where to turn for help…

yet again.


“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect
 in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses,
 so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.

For when I am weak, then I am strong.” (II Cor. 12: 9-10)

(*We found out later that it was Katherine's Moms In Prayer group. Thank you, angels!)

Also, the room number pictured above was Amie's ICU room. She is currently in 6623.


Unknown said...

Welcome back , Margery- though I've missed you, I'm sad you've had to return...Katherine's Kentucky family lifts you in prayer often, Donna

Ginny Evans said...

I am praying and yes!! When I am weak then I am strong!!! The Grace of God is sufficient and He will walk all of you through this. You are being bathed in prayer daily! Mch Love for you and yours! Ginny Evans

Konie said...

Thank you for being normal yet also encouraging!!! Praying from Dothan, Al. All our grown kids are also praying, and our 2 daughters in Los Angeles area are covering you close by!! πŸ™πŸΌπŸ™πŸΌ

jmb77vol said...

Dear Kim, I wondered why Margery had suddenly come back to life in my Reader feed, and I'm so sorry to have found out why. You and your family have been such an encouragement to me over the years, and I will be glad to lift Amie and the rest of you up in prayer here in Memphis. With love, Julie (Blair) Lange <>

Anonymous said...

Kim -
We do not know one another, but I have read Hope Heals and first saw Katherine's post about Amie on instagram. I am the one who responded to your post and suggested that you "write your pain".I do not know why I felt led to write that to you, but I worried about it after I posted it. I thought about how completely overwhelmed you must be and that the post might have been more of an irritant than an inspiration.

I was relieved to see, on Caring Bridge, that you sent a link to "Margery Raves On" - and that you are writing. In spite of my concern about my post to you, I trust the leading of God's Spirit and know you are meant to write. You have a deep river of words. They are your guidance and your revelation. Trust that the revelation will continue to come.

I had to re-post this excerpt from your explanation about Margery. It is a stone of remembrance for you today...
“Whatever may be said of Margery, madwoman or saint, she knew where to turn whenever she found herself up a 50-foot tree with no ladder. She trusted God to rescue her. Completely and totally. She talked to him as if he were her best friend, standing right beside her. She praised him, argued with him, questioned him, laughed with him, cried to him. And he talked back.“

As a mother of girls, I ache for you. When I saw the instagram photo of your youngest daughter with her foot all bandaged up - Katherine pushing her - I just could not stop praying for you and your family. I continue in prayer for all of you.

May God's blessings enfold you,
Rev. Carla Meisterman

Susan said...

I just don't have the words to tell you how sorry I am that your family once again finds itself in such a painful, scary, place that feels only marginally safe! I have been praying for you and your family every day since Katherine's stroke. Now, I just add Amie very specifically. If Grace happens to be living in California, you might try convincing her to move. Just saying.

Anonymous said...

Well one thing is for sure Kim! You are a wonderful writer and have a gift! Random thought I realize!

Thinking of you and many prayers,

Patrick's mom

oby dupree said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
oby dupree said...

I love this and you!!
You needed that cry!
Just another gift you have.
Love you,

Lauren Baum Malbrough said...
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Lauren Baum Malbrough said...

another medical crisis with another beautiful daughter. You have such a gift with words. I'll continue to pray for your family but honestly, I've always followed your story because it feeds me, too. No matter what is happening you are always re-setting your eyes above on Him. I'm a mother to a 2 year old daughter and 1 year old daughter. Watching you live this out with your adult daughters makes me realize I better get good at re-setting my own eyes on Him now. I'm a stranger, but I have a lot of love for you after following along so closely. I used to stand in the shower and say out loud "I'm standing in the gap for Katherine", and I would just stand there under the water and swallow over and over and over while I envisioned her swallowing again. Pelvic alignment visions seem a bit harder but I'll give it a shot! :) May God bless and protect you and give you strength during this time!

Unknown said...

This is exactly what is so inspiring about you Kim. You are genuine through it all - the good, the bad and the ugly. You have taught me so much about courage and perseverance. Thank you. Although I am sorry to see that Margery is back under these circumstances, I am happy that you have this outlet for your beautiful words. They are read and appreciated.

Maria Ashmore said...

I can only imagine!!!! Lots of prayers for you all. I followed your last journey as I am this one. We are in Montgomery, AL and know the Wolf's, have met and heard K...Hope Heals!! Stay strong, cry when needed, rest in God's arms and know that many are lifting you up in prayer. Thank you for sharing your makes us feel closer to your situation.
From my foundation in MGM, Women of Hope......"just as the butterfly comes forth with a new body, those who HOPE come forth with new life!"
Love and prayers!

Megan Alexander said...

This was from my church FB page this am.

Good Monday morning to you, Church Family! Let's continue memorizing Isaiah 41:10 (NLT)..."Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you.I will hold you up with my victorious right hand."
Have a blessed day!