Sunday, September 19, 2010

Substitutionary Atonement

Deep psychic exhaustion.

Fear and dread and stress and hope.

Detachment from the whirling world around.


Familiar smells and bells.

Florescent lights. Machines.

All oddly familiar.

Seasoned veterans, we easily slip back into Hospital Mode.

Everything else suddenly ceases to be. Other cares are instantly back-burnered.

Just do the next thing you need to do.

Here and now are all there is.

Oh, and pain.

Unrelenting pain. Crying pain.

Barely muted by morphine.

Helplessly, I witness.

Feigning levity.

Busy-ness. Distraction.

If only it could be me instead. I’m older. I’m used to it.

I deserve it more.

But it doesn’t work that way.

That is not for you to do.

That was for me to do for you.

For you all.

Once and for all.

We’ve been here before.

I remember the moment.

And the song.

But now I know how to do this:


Maybe the lesson is learned better the second time around.

Another reminder of how far we've come:
Til We Have Faces


Anonymous said...

been praying for you all all day and checking both websites for updates. i'm so sorry and tears are falling on my cheeks and it does remind me of finding your blog in the very beginning. i'm praying for relief. i'm praying for waves of mercy to pour like rain and an end to the awful pain. love, michelle

Laurel said...

Been praying all weekend and pain relief was on the list of requests. I'm so sorry she has to have more pain! Morphine is great but our bodies get used to it and it doesn't work as well.

I bet today will be better. Pain usually peaks 48 hours post op. We'll keep sending up prayers for all of you.

Sarah Newport said...

My sweet blog momma,

Praying for you this morning. Praying for so many things. Praying for the Spirit to intercede regarding the things I've forgotten. Praying especially for a tender moment with your Savior.

Sarah Newport
(Anna Stover's sister-in-law... which nearly makes us family...)

Anonymous said...

'Til We Have Faces is one of your blog posts that has always hung with me--the description of Katherine as a baby is something that is imbedded into my psyche. I have no idea why that has hung on from the time I read it, but I completely understand your sorrow--and Katherine's sorrow. We all grieve for her--and we all celebrate joyously for her triumphs as well. What I think is most remarkable is that even after all she has been through, which is much more than any one person deserves, she is still one of the most beautiful people I have ever seen from a purely physical stand point. And I'm not just saying that! But her strength and fighting spirit certainly make an impression as well. I'm so glad that I know all of you and I feel privileged to have born witness to all of this and am so glad that I get to pray for her every day, but especially in situations like this surgery. I am so hopeful that her appearance continues to improve and her pain is manageable. Yours too.

Hang in there. This too shall pass.

Much love always,


Abby said...

There are no words for what Katherine goes through or for what all of you who love her endure as you watch her suffering.
Praying for you especially diligently while you are in 'hospital mode.'